I think we take ourselves much too seriously in life, at least I know I do, so I decided to have a little fun with a short story.

Open your mind to a Saturday Night Live style skit in short story form and enjoy what unfolds involving the “Queen Mother of all Dirty Words” at least according to The Christmas Story movie.

If dirty words make you feel dirty, skip this reading and keep on keeping on, no hard feelings here. Otherwise, Enjoy!

Sarah sat at the train crossing sweating every green digital minute that ticked by on her car’s clock. The train stopped again, and reversed again as she helplessly watched the graffiti covered cars move back and forth. So far, she had been waiting twenty minutes for the track to clear.

What the fuck is going on? There are never trains like this on Friday mornings! I am going to be SO late!

While she didn’t punch an official time clock, she didn’t like walking in late to her office. Especially on Friday when folks were always in a party mood.

Finally, the train chose one direction to go and continued through the intersection releasing her from the Railroad Crossing Prison. Sarah flew to the office from there, driving as if she was bleeding out and needed to get to the emergency room.

God, I hate being late!

Upon arrival at her office, she shoots out of her car like a cannonball and nearly runs to the front door. Before grabbing the handle, she takes a deep breath and repeats her calming mental mantra.

This is nothing but a bump in the road, all will be OK.

With an exhale she pulls the office door open and is struck by a tidal wave of utter silence. The Friday party mood was playing a game of hide and seek. Sarah wasn’t sure how to walk through the ghostly office. Her friend Tina, who manned the front desk always smiling and greeting everyone with fresh baked cookies, wasn’t there. The cookies weren’t there, and Tina’s desk was devoid of her audacious personal touches. This was a huge and unexpected red flag.

“Where is Tina?”, Sarah asked aloud. Her question bounced back like an echo in the Grand Canyon. No reply was offered. From an office staff that typically shouted to communicate, instead of using an intercom, it lit a fire under the initial red flag of Tina’s absence.

As she journeyed to her office the emptiness of each office along the way raised her blood pressure. “Where is everyone?” she whispered to herself. As soon as the words left her lips, she heard footsteps, walking purposely and getting closer.

“Hi Sarah.” said her boss Erik in an uncharacteristically flat tone. “Can we have a chat in my office, now?”

Moments later with a pink termination slip in hand and a box of her personal items Sarah wanders out to her car in a stupor.

“I don’t understand” she says to no one, “I just don’t understand.”

As she drives home, she slams on her brakes to avoid colliding with a driver who cut her off while entering the interstate from the on-ramp.

“Jesus Christ! You goddamn stupid motherfucker! That ramp is for speeding up, not diddling on like a douchebag!” As the tirade screams out of her, she hits the gas and swiftly changes lanes. She stares at the driver as she passes, willing her annoyance to travel to their vehicle. A young woman is driving and singing to herself completely oblivious to Sarah’s angry stare.

“That figures.” she utters while shaking her head.

After taking her exit from interstate, she meanders through her neighborhood. Many of the houses look new to her as she realizes she never pays attention when she shuttles to and from work. She pulls up in her driveway. Her simple yellow house surrounded by a white picket fence greets her. There are colorful flowers planted under each windowsill and a mailbox with a “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” sign attached to the post.

Sarah glances at the sign. “Hrumph, ‘don’t worry’ my ass, I should rip that stupid sign down and burn it!”

With the crumpled pink note in hand she opens the door to her house; two cats – one tuxedo and one tabby – come running to greet her.

“Hi guys, at least you still love me, right?”

Almost as if on cue, they start wailing for food – taking paw shots at each other while the three walk towards the kitchen together.

“Well, at least love your food.”

After feeding the cats, her stupefied look returns and she slumps down on her sofa. Shoulders curling in she kicks her shoes off and bends over her lap.

Sarah uncrumples the note and says again, “I just don’t understand.”

She sits, she stares, soon she is crying. Lightly at first, then it builds to exhaustive full body shakes. She’s barely breathing between sobs, gasping for air. The cats are now gathered by her feet, looking at her. She continues to cry and the tuxedo cat jumps on the couch to nuzzle her arm. She mindlessly reaches over to pet him. The tabby has laid at her feet.

Suddenly she stands and screams at the top of her lungs.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Both cats scatter, frightened by her outburst.

After her outburst, she sits again. Exhausted from the shout, she cries gently now.

Tinkly music begins to fill the room along with a transparent pale blue cloud. From this cloud walks the most stunningly handsome man she has ever seen. His bulging muscles strain against his baby blue dress shirt sleeves. The navy pinstripe pants he is wearing accentuate his form in all the right places.

Shocked but not registering what is happening, Sarah thinks, Damn, don’t think I have ever seen an ass that great.

Her magical guest is holding a small sack, much like Santa Claus would, but his matches his monochrome blue attire.

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” says the man grinning widely as he bends over to stroke her shoulder.

His touch startles from her admiring gaze as if waking from a dream, “Oh My God! Who the hell are you and where did you come from?”

“That’s easy to answer. I am the What The Fuck Fairy and you summoned me with the three magic words you shouted from the end of your wits with the last of your strength.”

“Oh Jesus, now I know I am losing it, I am starting to see shit!”

“Oh baby, you are not losing it, I am quite real.”

He strokes her shoulders and back as he sits down next to her, setting his bag on the footstool.

Her body tingles at his touch. “This can’t be happening, I must be dreaming. What the fuck is going on?”

“See, there you go again, saying my magic words. ‘What The Fuck’.”

Her gaze narrows on him and she shakes her head again.

“OK, ya got me. What’s the gig here and why did you come to me?”

“Well, once again, easy to answer. When an individual is completely at the end of their rope and shouts ‘What The Fuck’ with the last bit of energy they possess, I am summoned and appear forthright. It happens more often than you might think, especially these days. I am a busy little fairy.” he states looking, for a brief second, a little tired.

“Alrighty then, you appear, I can see that, and for what purpose might you be here?”

“Now that, my dear, that is the key!” he exclaims excitedly while striking the pose of a Greek God. “I am here to pull you out of your What The Fuck rut with my bottomless bag of fucks.”

He motions to his bag as the cats jump up to greet him and curiously sniff the bag.

Confusion washes over her face, “I am almost afraid to ask, but I will. What do you mean?”

“That is easier shown than told.” he says as he stands up to grab his sack. “This is my bottomless bag of fucks. Every time someone has absolute zero fucks left to give, I appear and refill their supply with this sweet little magic bag.”

“What good is a bag of fucks when I don’t know where my rent money is coming from?”

“Ah, this isn’t just any sack, it is a smile bringer and spirit lifter and is meant to be shared. Somehow just using this magical treat helps people learn to laugh again no matter what they are going through.”

With a doubtful look on her face she asks, “Like how?”

“Well, once again, easier shown than told. Let’s open it up and see.” the fairy stands tall, puffs out his well-equipped chest and opens the sack. Blue light emanates from the sack, and her intrigue grows drawing her to sit up straight. The cats are not frightened by the blue light but are intrigued, as well.

“Now, tell me your two favorite colors and your favorite zoo animal.” asks the fairy.

“OK, purple, turquoise and zebras.” she says as a faint smile starts tugging at the corner of her lips. I don’t know what this guy is up to, but he’s pretty to look at regardless, she thinks to herself.

“Voila!” he says with a flourished but fluid movement as he reaches into the bag and begins to pull out a two-foot-high letter “F” with zebra stripes in purple and turquoise. His muscles flex while he continues to pull from the bag and the “U-C-K” come out to complete the ten-foot air puffed monstrosity.

She moves back to make room for the enormous word and can’t help but let a giggle escape.

“Oh my god! Seriously? That is hysterical! How is that possible?”

“It’s magic girl! Pure Fucktacular Magic!”

“I can NOT believe this is happening.”

“Oh, it’s real darlin’, real Fucking Fun! Gimme another…this time whisper just to yourself and let the magic do the work.”

She smiles broadly, quickly whispering to herself.

“Ready?”

“Yep.”

“OK, let’s see what we have this time…”

He reaches into the bag and pulls out another FUCK. It is blocky, covered with chestnut brown horsehair hosting chocolate brown manes off the top of each letter.

“No fricking way!” emits as she jumps up and down excitedly.

“A’hem, you mean no fucking way, right?” he winks at her, a giant smile graces her face.

“This is beyond incredible, I love it, I didn’t know I needed it and I am blown away at how it has changed my mood.”

“Exactly” he beams back at her.

“But you said this was meant to share, right? How so?”

Just then they hear a loud clutter and yelp from outside her house. They rush out front and see a teenager has crashed her bike into Sarah’s mailbox, breaking off the “Don’t Worry” part of the sign which now only reads “Be Happy.”

The teenager startles as they approach and immediately begins to apologize.

“I’m so sorry, I broke your sign. I didn’t mean to, please don’t be mad.” she scrambles up from her knees, her bike is in obvious shambles. “I’ll pay to get it fixed.” she stammers.

Sarah softens toward her, “Its ok, I was meaning to take that sign down anyway, so you did me a favor. But your bike looks a little worse for wear.”

The three of them look down at the bike. The front wheel is bent in two from hitting the mailbox post.

“Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!”

She realizes she has sworn in front of adults and the apologies begin again.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t use language like that, I am really sorry!” she exclaims with tears in her eyes.

A sparkle glints across Sarah’s face and she and the What The Fuck Fairy exchange a knowing glance.

“May I?” Sarah asks as she reaches for his blue sack.

“100% absolutely please!” he says with pride as he hands it over.

“Ok, so we know I don’t care about my sign and we can’t be certain how your mom will react about your bike, but I feel like we have something that will help you feel better.”

While the tears dry on the teenager’s face, Sarah whispers in her ear.

A wide but confused grin lengthens across the teenager’s face. After a moment, she nods. Sarah reaches in and grabs a huge FUCK. It is iridescent white with pink polka dots and sports a gold unicorn horn jutting out of the top of the “F”.

The teenager jumps wildly up and down, “No way!! That is awesome! Now my mom will really kill me!”

The three enjoy a hysterical laugh together then share a group hug as if they have known each other for years.

With the teenager bebopping home with her bike and her FUCK, Sarah and the What The Fuck Fairy head back inside her house.

“I really can’t believe this. I don’t know what I am going to do for a job and that girl doesn’t have a clue what she is going to do about her bike, but both of us feel better.”

“That’s the magic of this very powerful word, my dear.” he nearly sings back while taking a sweeping bow.

“I guess so, so now what?”

“Well, that is up to you. This magic sack is all yours to use how you see fit. May it bring you endless joy as you lighten the load of others on your path.”

“Oh my gosh, I can’t wait to use it again! How long will it last, how many fucks will it give?”

“Well, it is called a bottomless bag, so I think you can sort that out for yourself.” as he winks at her they hear screeching tires followed by the crunch of metal on metal.

“Oh Oh, looks like someone or two might need a fuck to give!” she exclaims as she runs out her front door.

“Indeed, my dear Sarah, indeed.” he says as he fades out of her living room.

Sarah runs toward the car accident finding people that are not injured just frazzled. She begins to hand out fucks of every shape, size and color. Laughter erupts from everyone onsite. Even the Police Captain that arrives to take the report takes part and busts his gut with loud bellowing laughter as he holds his alligator skin fuck.

In the coming hours Sarah hands out fucks to people of every age, race and creed, who encounter less than ideal situations. The initial shock on their faces fades as they come around to big smiles while in the midst of big messes.

The What The Fuck Fairy watches Sarah’s activity from a visionary place in the clouds wearing a satisfied smile. A closer look reveals he sits atop a mountainous pile of fucks. He stretches his arms overhead and with a sigh exclaims, “Another successful day doing my job. The joy a simple fuck can bring never ceases to amaze me.”

Exhausted after running all over town handing out fucks, Sarah returns home and collapses on her grey fuzzy couch. Her cats are instantly by her side, and she drifts off thinking of the What The Fuck Fairy and dreaming of thanking him with a different sort of fuck. Her breathing deepens and quickens, soon her body shudders with pleasure as she breathlessly exhales, “Oh, fuck!”