Why is my friend Brooke going to hell? This question kept me up at night when I was 10 years old. I clearly recall laying in the dark of my bedroom and ruminating about the answer.

Why would Brooke be going to hell? She was a very nice person and a good playmate to me. It made no sense that she would burn in eternal hellfire. If she was going to burn in hell, what was to keep me from the same fate?

Why in the world did I think my friend Brooke was gonna burn? The answer is quite simple: because I was taught that she would. I was raised in a strict Lutheran church that taught, though subversively, they were the only “saving faith.”

Now, I don’t believe they ever uttered it in those plain terms, lest they be outright questioned, but they absolutely taught their congregants that they were superior to all other faiths and therefore were chosen and would be the only folks walking through the Pearly Gates with St. Peter’s nod of acceptance.

So, as I laid there in the dark of night, I was broken hearted that Brooke would be cast into the fiery pit (where the Devil lived). I imagined ways to save her from her awful fate. I must, of course, invite her to church. But that was part of the puzzle in my little mind because the fact was: Brooke did go to church. However, she didn’t go to MY church and thus unknowingly sealed her forever fate. Her parents chose to attend the Catholic church and would now suffer themselves and their whole family to eternal damnation because of their wayward choice. How foolish of them!

My ten-year-old mind was unsettled at best and terrified at worst. If such a wonderful person and close friend of mine could be cast into hell because of where she went to church, was I safe from condemnation? My mind figured if I continued to go to that church and never walked away I would surely remain safe in the fold, wouldn’t I?

Enter an Excommunication

Not too long after that same late night wondering, my family was dutifully attending a regular Sunday Service. During that service the Pastor and Elders asked a particular congregant to stand up. I remember the air in the sanctuary tangibly changing. Silence befell even the most colicky of babies.

The tension could be cut with a knife as the religious authorities started to call out this man’s sin in front of everyone. They listed his evil deeds for all to hear, the main theme of which being his living with a woman while they were not married (AKA. Living in Sin). I also recall other specifics of his sins being cited out loud. No one came to his defense, in fact no one beside the head dudes in charge spoke a single word.

The man was obviously blindsided and mortified, surely having no clue this was the plan for his Sunday service. The silence of the congregation was deafening. I am sure people were embarrassed for him and I am just as sure there were also smug fellow members salivating at the chance to witness him being called out.

As the authorities listed his sins, they quoted the good book’s direction about speaking correction to a “fellow believer”. Citing (loosely here) if they don’t listen when you confront them, take two witnesses with you and if they still refuse to listen, cast them out from your presence and treat them worse than an unbeliever.

The man being burned at the stake during that service remained silent, as well, even though they gave him the option to refute the charges at hand. I remember him being seated smack dab in the middle of a pew so his eventual exit was neither swift nor easy. He had to press past his pewmates to escape what had to be an absolutely traumatizing experience!

As an adult I wonder about that man. Did he fly the middle finger up as soon as he got out the church doors? Did he ever darken the door of another church? And perhaps even: Who did he piss off? In the end who knows the answers to any of those questions. All I know is the lasting effect that witnessing such a terrible event had on my young psyche.

As noted above, I was already convinced that my Catholic church going friend was going to burn in hell because she didn’t go to MY church. Now, I had seen a man who DID go to my church be unceremoniously excommunicated and clearly told he was never welcome back. So, in my mind that meant he was going to hell as he couldn’t come to MY saving church anymore.

Good GAWD, when I recall those experiences, I can still feel the emotions. They physically affect my body to this day, forty years later. I was terrified! After witnessing that excommunication coupled with the “sole saving faith” theology how could I ever be certain to go to Heaven?

How would I be saved?

I would have to ensure I always pleased this angry God. I would have to continue to go that saving church for the rest of my life. Goodness, what if my family moves away and there isn’t a church in the same synod there? Will we all go to hell?

It really was all too much for my ten-year-old mind to process and I suddenly found myself securely stapled to a foundation of fear. I would clearly never be good enough for this angry God, or the angry people in the church, so I would have to start working with all my heart to please God and please man, lest either of them cast me out and therefore into the burning pit of hell.

If you wonder why I deconstructed my beliefs these experiences are two of the reasons I started deconstructing. To be fully transparent these thoughts weren’t in the forefront at the beginning of this process, but they quickly rose to the surface when I started peeling back the layers of my fear-based faith.

Fast forward all these years later and I find myself uncovering vast amounts of deep-seated damage from my religious upbringing and fear filled faith based adulthood. While unpacking this crap is definitely not a good ‘ol time, I won’t be stopping or going back to where/how I was before. I can’t. I cannot drop the curtain that hides the wizard back down to the floor and walk away as if I haven’t seen him. I have to face that wizard and all my beliefs surrounding him in order to walk forward with any semblance of self.

This has been and will continue to be a journey for me and I am looking forward to the new space I will free up in my heart and mind as I mine out the toxic thoughts and self-hatred making room for freedom of thought and deep self-love.